When I started searching for topics for this column, I came up a bit short. That gave me cause for reflection. Was it me, or were things so quiet that there was little material to comment on out there?
Deciding to skip self-indictment, I settled on the latter option. Things are a bit quiet now - well, a lot quiet - in this industry. After 2 years of stagnant activity, it seems that most people I know are having a hard time rekindling the old enthusiasm. Since no one seems to be able to predict an end to this malaise, I thought a few helpful hints to re-ignite the old flame were in order. After careful consultation with a number of experts, I have come up with this list.

* Build a rig. This easily raises morale and provides you with hours of fun trying to justify your investment. It will widen your circle of interesting friends, guaranteeing lots of quality time with bankers, investors and consultants. The subsequent roller coaster ride as you careen toward bankruptcy guarantees that old, never-a-dull-moment sensation.

* Raise a parrot. Try to get the New Guinea blue-beaked parrot, said to be the smartest and most eloquent bird in the entire universe. Take him to a rig. Let him pick up the language. The object here is to create a bird with a vocabulary the likes of which have never before been seen. Then take the parrot to a local Citizens for Morality meeting. Watch the fun begin.

* Write a book entitled Great Oilfield Bars. The research alone should keep things hopping for a long time. From Aberdeen to Zaire, there exists a class of joint that we just can't resist. Chapters might include: "When to fight, when to run," Sleeping it off," "Gee, what was I thinking?" and "Dealing with law enforcement cultures," to name just a few. Put this on your expense account. We all know it is an integral part of the job.

* Make inventing new words a hobby. Think about how much fun someone had coming up with the word "tortuosity" (my spellchecker just committed suicide). Let your mind soar. How about "execuccountancy" to describe the unique method of accounting that some senior executives have demonstrated of late. Or "palibi" to describe what you asked your friend to tell your spouse after a night at one of those "Great Oilfield Bars." Let me know if you come up with any that I can use to spice up this column.

* Apply for a drilling permit in San Francisco Bay. This may be the most uplifting activity of all. You will send the loony green brigade fringe hurtling skyward. You will meet self-appointed important people. Not many chances to get yourself burned in effigy, but this will do it. You will get an even bigger rush if you apply under the name of Earth Despoiler Petroleum LLC.

* Adopt a mud logger. They are easy to care for and a bundle of fun. Used to spending hours upon hours in confined spaces staring at displays, they require little attention. Just toss in a little food daily and pet them weekly. As a bonus, you can enlist their support to master any electronic game in record time.
I could go on, but I probably have invited more than enough lawsuits.

On a more serious note, Hart's E&P, in cooperation with IBC, is hosting a conference on offshore development opportunities worldwide. The Global Offshore Opportunities conference will be held in Houston March 17-19. The conference promises to be extremely informative with an impressive list of speakers addressing issues and opportunities critical to offshore development over the next decade. You will find a conference brochure between pages 64 and 65. I hope to see you there.


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