A good relationship with your boss is usually required to be promoted and even just to remain employed. Unfortunately, there are many ways to get cross-threaded. I contacted people to ask them what had and hadn't worked for them in mending relationships.

Quite a few people said they never had any real problems. One man replied, "I can honestly say that I do not remember having an adversarial relationship with any of my bosses."

However, this same man discovered that dealing with subordinates was another story. "As a boss, try as I could, I was not able to mend poor relationships. Both parties have to be willing to mend the relationship and listen to each other on the business issues so that mutual respect can develop."

Another person wrote, "Misunderstandings can come at the outset because of people's different styles in listening and speaking, then add the experience difference and a simple request can be interpreted as many ways as there are people in the audience. Communication is the key to resolution of the problems."
One man related, "I had an adversarial boss for a dozen years, in multiple jobs for each of us. Because his dominant behavior was adversarial, it often seemed that the relationship was. Attempting to change his behavior was futile. Mostly, just understanding the behavior and doing my job well was all that could be done."

A successful relationship repairman observed, "If an attempt by one party was made to come to a common understanding, but fell on deaf ears of the other, then maybe all was done, but unless that effort is made, it is not a hopeless situation."

Still, not all relationships can be fixed. One woman wrote, "I had a good ol' boy boss who was chummy only with men in the workplace and only with the type of men he could identify with. He actively attacked and bullied the 'sensitive' personality types, men or women. I never found an effective way to work with him. I could not counteract the bias filter he had and knew that he couldn't see my talents through it."
Another person reported problems he saw around him. "I saw a divorced parent (with custody of two young sons) given an excess of sudden field assignments because 'he wasn't married.' I fought a battle with a boss who wanted to evaluate some of my people lower because, 'He engages in risky behavior like sky-diving,' or 'He ran for a school board position,' or 'He's almost 30 years old and ought to be married by now,' or 'She spends too much time on the phone.' I wanted to evaluate on the basis of output only."

In some bad situations, higher executives signal recognition that a middle manager is causing problems, but leave you in the awkward position of waiting for a change. When senior management is not so perceptive, sometimes people survive going over their boss's head. One person commented, "You can always go up a step, but it is a double edged sword. I've gotten away with it several times, but it was always with senior managers, whom I respected and trusted. Caveat here is, you better be right because there's no turning back."

Many people advised that the best action was to get away from the boss. As one man said, "I have an old prayer I live by, God please give me the ability to know what I can change and know what I cannot change and the fortitude to get the hell out of Dodge without burning any bridges."
Another person said, "I had a tremendous philosophical conflict and could not resolve it. Finally, I decided to quit my job with no idea of what I was going to do. I gained a lot of respect from co-workers and got another much better job. I have since profited very well from that decision. I actually get along with [the former boss] now."

In any conflict, as one sage said, "Integrity has to be met as the first standard. You have to live with yourself."

Couple that with a survivor's advice, "Always 'count to 10' and fight the war not getting bogged down in the individual battles. Run away; live to fight another day. Easier said than done."

Eve Sprunt, evesprunt@aol.com, is an oil industry executive. Responses in quotes come from her broad network of contacts in the industry who respond to her e-mail surveys.

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