I have been asked - goaded is a more appropriate term - by various colleagues to launch an instructional series based on my long-ago field experiences. So, here goes.
I have derived the following procedures by exacting, in-person study. Please do not try them at home - or anywhere else.
How to launch a heater treater over a fence
This procedure requires a good bit of old, semi-functional equipment. Key pieces include a well on a beam pump that regularly builds up pressure in the annulus that must be bled off. Also key is a very old heater treater. To initiate the procedure, assume that the gas export and pop-off valve on the treater work. Also assume that all internal piping is pressure-tight and that the vessel walls will hold more than a couple of psi of pressure. Then drive to the well, slowly open the annular valve and begin to bleed the pressure to the treater. Assume that all is going well and leave the location. Make the rest of your rounds.
Return to the tank battery the next morning. Glance quizzically at the concrete pad upon which the treater used to reside. Search the area until you find the treater on the other side of a 4-ft (1.22-m) high fence. Call the field office and notify them that the field was attacked by aliens overnight.
How to fish a sledgehammer from a bell nipple
This procedure requires a fully functional rig and a clod-headed roughneck. To begin the procedure, visit with the Tool Pusher while the rig crew makes up the first bits of a new BHA. All pipe must be in the derrick with nothing in or covering the opening in the rotary table. Hear a strange "clink, clank, clank" followed by "#%&&#@." Turn around to discover the entire rig crew staring down the hole. Casually wander over to the hole, suppressing the feeling that this ain't gonna be good. Stare downhole and notice a sledgehammer resting precariously in the swaged portion of the bell nipple. Look up and ask what
happened. Discover, again, that aliens are on your trail and have thrown a sledgehammer downhole - this is the only explanation as no one on the floor has any knowledge of how the sledgehammer happened to become lodged in the bell nipple. Their dazed expressions suggest that they may actually have seen the aliens.
At this point, it is crucial that you resist the urge to call the office. First, huddle with the Tool Pusher to discuss options. There are two - fish it or let it fall downhole and then try to mill it up or kick it off to the side. The estimated milling time for a case-hardened sledgehammer head is not pretty. Kicking it off to the side is questionable. It is time to fish that sucker out of the bell nipple, bearing in mind that one false move sends it plummeting downhole, with your career.
Now call the office and let them know that you are currently fishing in the bell nipple. Just for fun, put it on your morning report the next morning and the morning after. Get a call from the VP of operations. Recall with some fondness your job sacking groceries.
Just as hope runs out, retrieve the fish with soft line, a homemade grapple and 6 ft (1.8 m) of duct tape.
Look for more of these helpful hints in future columns.

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